Well it made me smile.

The Wedding gift

        Writing poetry is something I do for my own amusement, I never felt they were good enough for public scrutiny, yet family and friends have encouraged me to put it out there, So plucking up courage I thought it was time to inflict them (the poems that is, not the family and friends) on the rest of the population.

        Most of my poems I've written have started with either a family event or an outing with friends, names have been changed to protect the embarrasment of the people involved, hopefully they've not taken anything away from the poem itself.

The first poem was written years ago for a family wedding, and did get a laugh at the reception, maybe we will get one on here.



The wedding gift.


Jack and Jill, went up the hill,

to tie the knot together,

Jack fell down in the Rose and Crown

and blamed it on the weather.

Jill, she knew he'd had a few

said "you must think I'm silly"

If your not as drunk as that smelly old skunk,

Why's that ribbon round your willy.?

Jack, he stood there silently,

and felt she had him trapped

"why dear, this is your wedding gift 

I thought you'd like it wrapped".

Jill looked down, and with a frown

Said I'm sorry if I snigger,

I suppose it is the thought that counts,

but I was hoping for something bigger.



There is no video clip yet

The one night stand

One Night stand.

        While on a friends stag night, and watching his pathetic attempt to get off with a girl that did not want to know him, was the inspiration behind the next poem. We did laugh at him and he never lived this down.😉


One night stand

I was standing in a bar one night

drinking plenty, the head quite light,

when I spied apon two maidens fair

so I strolled across without a care,

then using all my cultured charm,

I grabbed one gently by the arm,

and dragged her off to dance a while,

but the silly girl she ran a mile.

I got her back with persausive talk,

then offered her money so she would'nt walk,

and while trying hard not to revolt her

I danced all night like John Travolta.

It hurt my back, and sprained my knee,

I'd guessed by then that she fancied me

She said "oh Martin" I said "oh Jill"

she added "your ugly, it's making me ill"

i said I was sorry, if I'd been a bore.

she looked deep in my eye's, and was sick on the floor.

Well, I thought she's playing hard to get,

but I don't care, I'll have her yet.

While talking away like a frustrated parrot,

on the side of her mouth, I noticed a carrot. 

Well things like that don't make me wheezy

beside's, I'm not put off that easy.

so i suggested she share my bed,

she just looked up, and slapped my head.

Then finally the night was through,

we kissed goodnight, I gave her flu.

Then we went our seperate way,

and have never spoken till this day,

i've often wondered what went wrong

with thoughts maybe, I came on, too strong.

but there's a moral here, and in case it's missed

It's don't chat girls up, when your pissed.







Stan (the mans) poem

"kate's poem" the beautiful story of a womans life, was found in a  hospital locker after she died,

I was so impressed with the depth and beauty of this poem that I wanted to write the story from a man's perspective, only my warped sense of humour got in the way.


Stan (the man’s) poem


What do you see Nurse? What do you see?

What are you thinking? When you’re looking at me,

That I’m a grubby old pervert, with wide open flies,

Got disgusting habits, eats too many pies,

Who pinches your bottom, and says it’s in jest?

Then slurps at his curry, more stains down his vest

Who seems not to notice, his pants filled with poo,

And shaves half his whiskers and thinks that will do;

Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,

You bath me, yet nothing, my “todger” lies still.

Is that what your thinking? Is that what you see?

Look closer then Nursey, you’re not looking at me!

I’m a small child of seven, with father and Mother;

Brothers and sisters, who hate one another.

I’ve trees to be climbed, and have classmates to fight

With girls to be kissed, I’ve at last seen the light.

A young man of sixteen with thoughts in his head

Who plays with his privates, while laid in his bed.

At eighteen, my life, is all sporting and drink,

With farting and cleaning, a bedroom that stinks,

To arrive soon at twenty- my heart gives a jump,

A girl of my own, whom I’m happy to hump,

I’m twenty-five now, with kids round my feet,

And working all hours, Co’s I’ve bills yet to meet.

My woman seems happy, with young of her own,

Who needs me to pay, for a safe happy home.

A man turning thirty, my family grows fast,

Yet in breed pecking order, it’s sad to be last,

The kids still get kisses; the dog get’s a rub,

My wife seems to hate me; I’m off down the pub,

At forty, the kids are all grown up and fled,

Leaving me with the misses, now I’m filled with dread,

At fifty, my plonker, it sadly looks south;

My hair is receding, there’s no teeth in my mouth,

My six pack is rounded, all gone I might fear

Still look on the bright side, still time for a beer.

The wife’s gone out drinking, along with her mate,

To a boy grabbing party, I guess she’ll be late.

Our young are all busy, raising young of their own

They don’t seem to notice that their mothers left home.

The porn sites kept busy, and at Sixty that’s sad,

Still it reminds me, when I was a lad,

I’m a pensioner now and nature is cruel,

To give me a misses, that thinks I’m a fool,

She wants’ me to pay for her new happy home,

leaving me in a bed sit, sad and alone.

My strength starts to dwindle, and vigour depart,

There’s now a pace maker where once was a heart,

Yet inside this carcass, a young man still dwells,

I’ve discovered Viagra, now the plonker will swell,

I re-live the good times, though paying’s, a pain,

Least, I’m loving, and living life, over again.

I think of the years, all too few, gone too fast,

And accept the stark fate, that nothing can last.

So, open your eye’s Nurse; open and see,

A grubby old pervert, well maybe, that’s me!

My wifes friends all turned 60 within a few months of each other, this one was written to give them a clue as to what they could expect for their future.😉


Happy Birthday


Well now my darling, what do you think?

You’re turning sixty, you might need that drink,

Retirement is looming, it’s all feeling strange,

Don’t feel too bad though, you’re over the change

Now as you get older, the bladder gets weak,

Try large "Tena ladies" to soak up the leak,

The eyesight starts fading, so specs are a must,

The tummy gets larger, it’s supporting the bust,

Boobs will start drooping, and cover your tum,

Men will stop fibbing about the size of your bum.

Builders won’t whistle, they’d rather keep working,

Dancing gets harder, have you ever tried twerking?

Your ankles get swollen, there’s varicose veins,

Vaginal discomfort and winter chilblains,

Flatulent backsides - just don’t follow through,

It’ll fill up your stockings and squelch in your shoe.

The skimpy old thong will now stay in your drawer,

It’s Bridget Jones knickers, as they’ll cover more.

The things men found sexy no longer apply,

We’ll just drink prosecco and laugh till we cry.

I'd rather look backwards to laughs that we had,

And thoughts of a friendship, that wasn’t half bad.

So, break out the champagne, the vodka, (no ice)

Let’s drink to your birthday, cos that’ll be nice.


The day I met the rest of my life, trueish story of how i met my wife, (her favorite)

The day I met the rest of my life


When I was still a single lad, I'd dream of what might be.

Thinking about that perfect girl and the things she'd do to me.

My vision then, she was 5ft 10 with legs right up her bum

And although this was a fantasy, oh boy did I have fun,

Now we never had the internet, there was no dating site.

No one then had mobile phones, it was hard to find Miss Right.

So, I decided on a quest, to find this girl so tall

I searched the whole of London but with no luck at all.

I splashed the Brut all over, my 8 tracks…… played its stuff

I even ironed my Tesco vest, yet still it’s not enough

This quest was now quite desperate, I was sadly out of form

When a friend suggested, ‘try abroad’, so we went to Benidorm.

I must say the sunshine worked, cos the girls were ‘cool’ in Spain.

Even one in a drunken state, with her head stuck down a drain.

We were asked to take her home, so we steered her up this path.

It was first time we’d heard Bristol eze, that really made us laugh.

"Ooh arrgh" said I ‘’this girl was fun, I hope she’s got a mate’’.

I didn’t know it there and then, but this would be my fate.

We pushed her through this open door, she landed in a heap

We checked to see if she's ok, then we left her there to sleep.

And as we turned to walk away, things not quite as we feared

I certainly was not prepared for the vision that appeared

A pillow - with a head on top, both stuck behind a book

We had not seen her first of all, and she gave us such a look.

My dream girl she was 5ft 10 or somewhere in that range

This one here was 5ft tall, so I felt a bit short changed.

She was a stunning beauty, no long legs like in my dream

But her smile made up for everything, this cat had found his cream.

She could not rise to greet us, as she was naked in her bed

And being lads we tried to peek, in the hope of where it led.

We sat and introduced ourselves, she said her name was Sue.

Then we talked for many hours, in the hope, she’d need the loo.

But we’re nothing if not gentlemen, so we left them there to talk.

A seed was planted in my heart, as we took that homeward walk.

That was many years ago, great fun and even now

I look back with happy thoughts and still think she was “wow”.

I think of all those many times, her charm has made its mark.

Like the first time that I kissed her and I really felt that spark.

I bless the day she married me and the years of joy she’d bring,

So, thank you Babe for everything, I would not change a thing.